Having lain dormant for decades, a terrible creature is about to awaken and threaten the peace of Tokyo city once more. Mutated to an extraordinary size by vast quantities of lager and gin and possessing unfathomable destructive power, Genghis Kong has already been sighted within the Tokyo Bay area. This is his story...
I had a thought earlier that struck me as somewhat interesting. Or at least it struck me as something vaguely akin to interesting.
I have a friend, and she is a Muslim. Now if I say Muslim woman, it's possible that some of you will think of something like this:
But actually you couldn't be further from the truth. She is an extremely liberated, left-wing, bisexual feminist, who drinks alcohol and uses drugs. But she won't eat pork, because she's a Muslim.
It just struck me as odd that she adheres so strictly to the avoidance of pork (she won't even eat something that's been cooked with or near pork), but somehow the prohibition of all narcotics doesn't seem to all that important. I'm no Islamic scholar, but as I understand it Muslims avoid pork because it is 'unclean', whereas alcohol and drugs are 'abominations'. So why is she avoiding the unclean in favour of the abominable?
Curious behaviour. It just goes to reinforce my general belief that people (on the whole) are crazy.
As an amusing sidenote, the word 'alcohol' actually comes from Arabic, despite its consumption being prohibited by Islam. The story goes that when the prophet Muhammad was decrying the evils of drinking, he just said the most loathsome, disgusting, abominable syllables that he could think of at the time, which happened to be 'Qohol'. 'Al' is Arabic for 'the', and the name stuck: 'al-qohol'.
I like to imagine how this might have ended up had Muhammad's first language been Modern English.
"Drink not of these wines and liquors - they cloud the brain, inflame lust and violent passions, and lead the heart away from the light of Allah. They are a false happiness, and their use can only lead you to the Devil. I shall call this wicked liquor... BLEURGH"
And for the rest of time the world would be calling alcohol "thebleurgh". In chemistry, alcohols would no longer take the suffix '-ol', but 'eurgh': ethaneurgh, methaneurgh, even mentheurgh to keep you minty fresh. People in support groups around the world would be introducing themselves thus: "Hi everyone, my name's Gary, and I'm a Thebleurghic."
I suppose, ultimately, it wouldn't actually make a material difference to anyone's life, but it amuses me nonetheless.
Now, I am not alone as I write this blog. In fact, I am accompanied by hundreds of tiny helpers. No - I haven't lost my mind or contacted the spirit realm, I just have a fruit fly infestation in my room. I have been battling these tiny bastards for about a week now, and let me say, they are one of the most persistent and irritating adversaries I have ever faced. The only real remedy for fruit flies, I think, is prolonged and rigorous cleanliness, but every time I think I've finally got my room completely clear of any food waste, there's something I've missed and then I'm back to square one. Last week I thought I had the bastards beat - I had done all my washing up, emptied all my bins, so food lying around, everything clean, and there were hardly any flies left. I noticed there were still a few buzzing around my bins, but assumed that they would die soon. But then I noticed that they weren't actually buzzing around the bins, they were buzzing around the rice cooker that is next to my bins. That's when I saw them crawling in and out of the steam vent in the top of the rice cooker. With trepidation I lifted the lid and a whole swarm of tiny black bastard fruit flies swarmed up to meet me. Fuck.
Again, today, I thought I had got rid of the flies. Then I opened my school bag to discover yesterday's lunchbox and a horde of evil little insects. Fuck.
I've bought something that claims to be a fly trap, but aside from the fact that it doesn't seem to have any means of actually trapping the flies, it doesn't even seem to be succesfully attracting them. The one place in my room where I can guarantee there are no flies is the damn fly trap. I keep burning mosquito coils too, and the mosquito coils at least seem to bother the flies a bit - I like to think I'm pissing them off - but it doesn't seem to bother them enough to make them leave or make them die, so it's ultimately not a very effective solution.
If anyone has any top tips for how to get rid of flies, they would be very much appreciated!
In other news of ineteresting or exciting things, on Friday I have been invited to speak at a drinks reception for University of Sheffield alumni at offices of the British Council in Tokyo - very exciting! I hope I can still remember how to hobnob with bigwigs in polite society... It's been a while since I had to make polite conversation with anyone. Hopefully this will be a good opportunity to make some contacts with people in prestigious companies and such - perhaps I'll be able to score myself some kind of internship or something! Or perhaps I'll get really nervous and accidentally drink too much and embarass myself. That would be fun too.
Now I just need to find myself a smart shirt. Dress code is lounge suits - which I understand to mean 'ordinary suits' - but I don't have a shirt that fits. I'm also wondering whether or not to wear my bright yellow rubber Casio watch. Should I go for smart and understated, or slightly wacky and multicoloured. If I paired the yellow watch with bright yellow socks, would that make it better?
Anyway - I'm going to sign off for now. The smell of the mosquito coil is making me feel decidedly unwell, so I'm going to go somewhere for some fresh air. Maybe I'll go get a coffee and read my book. Incidentally, I am currently reading a book called Silk by a man called Alessandro Barrico, and I would like to recommend it in the highest possible term to all and sundry. It's very short, and written in a very simple, plain style, but it manages to be absolutely enchanting in its simplicity. It's also set in Japan, so it manages to encompass virtually everything I look for in a novel - short, not originally in English, and relating to Japan.
(That's me practicing for polite conversation, by the way. How did I do?)
Sorry I didn't write y'all sooner. A curious combination of being theoretically terribly busy, but in reality almost completely inactive has led me not to write anything for quite some time. And now it's May already? May the 7th? Wow. Time really does fly when you're almost entirely inert but simultaneously very stressed.
Let me explain myself. I have been theoretically very busy these last few weeks, which is to say I have had a lot of work to do. Most notable among this is the 6000 word research project I was supposed to be writing for Sheffield over the last 8 months, but (in classic style) completely neglected to do. So I have been terribly busy with work. Theoretically.
Unfortunately, I have actually been completely inactive. The fact that 'I'm very busy with work' stops me from going out and doing anything exciting, because I should be working. Unfortunately it doesn't stop me from wasting hours and hours of time in front of the computer listening to Kate Bush and looking at funny videos of stupid things.
So that is how I have spent the last few weeks - staying in, stressing about work, but making no meaningful effort to get any work done. Hence I've not really done anything blogworthy, hence no blog.
But I felt I probably owed it to all of you to write a little something, just to keep you all interested and make sure you're still paying attention; none of you sleeping at the back of class.
So - what have I been up to? I have started school again (huzzah!). Yes, school continues in a frustratingly badly organised and uninspiring way. My language classes this semester are actually much better - I'm not re-covering stuff I learnt three years ago, and some of the assignments are actually quite difficult (!) - but my other classes seem pretty dreadful. Fortunately, I'm allowed to fail all the classes apart form language if I want to and Sheffield Uni won't really mind. Still, I'll not aim for a fail, and will continue to gambarimasu, which is a wonderful Japanese word meaning 'to persevere'. They use it in place of 'good luck' or 'do your best', because in the mind of the Japanese luck is of no great merit, nor is how well you actually do something. All that matters is that you persevere, even if you're utterly useless and have no skill or talent whatsoever. Because of this, someone with no great talent who spends years drudging away mediocrely is more respected than someone with great natural talent who can do whatever it is easily straight off the bat.
One of the most cutting remarks you make to someone if they ask you how well they did something is yoku gambarimashita - 'you persevered well'. That's about as close as you can get to saying it was absolutely bloody awful in this back-to-front language. The only more direct put-down I can think of would be chotto... meaning 'a bit...', or maa... - 'umm...'
So I'm back at school. That's about it. My big Year Abroad Project is due next week, and I finally got round to actually writing it today. I'm at 3000 words which I rekcon ain't too bad for a day or two's work. Should have it finished within a couple more days, with a spot of luck, and then I expect I will get very drunk.
Which is actually something I've been doing rather less often these days. Growing financial concerns, ongoing health and lifestyle concerns and two 'incidents' - the details of which are not spectacular, but nonetheless I'll not go into them here because my parents would read it and disapprove - have spurred me to curtail my wantonness significantly.
Now, 'curtail significantly' is clearly a relative phrase. Those of you who do not know me well might not realise quite how much wantonness I habitually indulge in, but for me 'significantly curtailed' still includes getting very drunk at least once or twice a week. At least drunk enough to regret my drunkenness and not quite know where all my money went, although I have at least been staying away from the all-night-karaoke first-train-back get-home-smashed-at-noon-the-next-day kind of behaviour. That sort of activity is just silly.
But yes - only drinking once or twice a week! Me! Shock! Horror! Stop the presses!
What a turn-up for the books, eh?
So not drinking much, still not smoking, going to the gym 5 or more times a week: it's all very surprising. I really didn't expect it to come to this.
In fact I seem to making bold steps towards my New Year's Resolution - dedicated readers might remember - to 'sort my life out'. Let's review the resolutions and see how I'm doing...
Study more, work harder, be less lazy - okay, this one still needs some work. Let's move on.
Drink less booze, less often and be less drunk all the time - check. So far not doing too bad on this one.
Exercise more, eat properly, lose loads of weight - Exercising more - yes; eating pretty well- yes; losing loads of weight - remains to be seen, but I'm optimistic
Have more sex - *ahem* Nope. Total fail.
But let's not dwell on that last one there. In fact, lets move on to more serious issues.
Britain's Got Talent. Now I may not technically live in Britain at the moment, but that doesn't mean Britain hasn't Got Talent, nor does it mean that I shouldn't be enjoying Britain's much-vaunted Talent to its fullest.
I know I'm not the first one to point out that Susan Boyle is not actually that amazing of a singer. Admittedly, amongst the standard of those who enter BGT she may well be one of the better singers, but compared to actual singers - professional singers who can actually sing - she's really not much more than a fairly decent club singer. I'm not trying to be a party pooper -she definitely put a smile on my face when she turned out not to be a completely embarassing tragic crazy lady, but she's not really that great a singer.
Jamie Pugh on the other hand - now I really liked his voice. Tempered by extreme nervousness, of course, he sounded rather mouselike and timid, but there was something to it that I actually really liked. Out of interest I started listening to professional versions of these Les Miserables songs, and whereas Susan Boyle compares as decent enough, but just not as good as the pros, I thought that Jamie Pugh sounded very different to the professionals, but had heaps of merit all his own. He just has a lovely voice. I think the word 'melifluous' describes it quite well in a neat linguistic cliche.
So in summary, Jamie Pugh FTW. Although I actually reckon it'll come down to a Susan Boyle/Jamie Pugh double act singing the hits of Les Mis to win in the final. Just a hunch.
Oh and Jamie Pugh also has the most adorable face. So sad and droopy. Like a slightly melted Rafa Benitez. Like a cross between Neil Morrissey and a potato. What a lovely man.
Anyway, all this Talent got me listening to Les Miserables. I've downloaded the soundtrack, and I've decided that i want to play Jean ValJean in a production of it. That is my decision. So I'm thinking about taking up Am Dram once I get back to Sheff. Of course, I probably won't actually end up doing any Am Dram, but I'll certainly talk about it a lot and my friends and family will say how good I would be at it but then I'll not actually bother. It's a lot easier that way, I feel. Less stagefright as well.
So the last point of business for the day, I think, shall be my tentative foray into the world of horticulture. Regular readers will recall that I planted some tomato and chilli seeds about 6 weeks or so ago. Well, as the saying goes: from tiny tomato seeds, mighty tomato plants grow. Or something. But the point is my teeny-tiny little seedlets have grown into this fairly impressive jungle: That's tomato plants potted up individually on the right, chilli plants still in their seed tray on the left (although I really ought to pot them out by now). The tomatoes have gone a curious dark shade of green because I rather rashly put them out onto my roof rather too soon. They got a little sunburnt and overexposed, I fear, but I've brought them back in now and they seem to be recovering.
I have just noticed, though, some strange white fuzzy things growing at the base of the stems of both my chilis and my tomatoes. The look rather like roots, but they're growing above ground. I think this might be because the humidity in my bedroom is so high that they actually think they're underwater half the time, but the other possibility is that it's some kind of killer fungus that's going to take them over and kill them, then grow to a monstrous size and attack me in the night, sucking all my vital force out through my toenail, leaving me a dessicated beige husk until I erupt into a fountain of new fungal spores transforming all of Tokyo into braindead fungus drones.
I hope they're just confused little roots.
That's about all I think I have to say for today, so I will bid you adieu. I realise that today's post has been a little dry - not much multimedia presence - so to make up for this shortfall, I'm going to treat you to some funny pictures of me!
Okay here's one of me now, sitting in my room, writing a blog, eyeballing a bunch of bananas.
Here's one of me Oli kindly took while we were travelling around Japan.
I reckon this one might have been while waiting for a train, possibly Tokyo to Kyoto. Not sure.
I'm sure you'll all agree it catches me at my very best.
Really brings out my gums and blackheads and nosehair in a way that most photographs just don't do justice to.
And finally I'm going to treat you to a photograph from my youth.
Brace yourselves.
Seriously, brace yourselves.
This is, as far as I know, the only surviving photo of me from when I had long hair.
Okay, so to quickly finish off the episode of my family coming to visit in as short a time as possible: We had a really cool time in Tokyo, then Oli went back to England. Mum and Dad and I then went off on another jaunt round central and western Honshu following a similar, although slightly different, general itinerary to mine and Oli's trip - Kyoto first, then Nara, Himeji and finally Hiroshima. Even though I had just been around most of those places with Oli, we stayed in different areas and went to see different sights so I still had a really interesting time. Of course, travelling with the parents meant that I was also eating extremely well and staying in relative luxury, which was wonderful (especially in comparison to the rather small and damp apartment/bedroom/hovel I live in in Tokyo).
3 Highlights of my trip with Mum and Dad:
1. The Dattan Matsuri festival in Nara. By pure coincidence we arrived in Nara on the last day of a 2-week long festival, which ends with a dramatic closing ceremony. We were, unfortunately, clueless to this fact and very nearly missed the whole thing, except that when we asked the Ryokan staff to serve us our dinner at 7pm they turned to one another and muttered something about "They're not going to the festival? Are you sure? They're really not going up to the temple?". Eventually we discovered that there was this event going so we rescheduled dinner for earlier and after eating we all but ran the 2 miles or so uphill through the park to try and catch the festival. Even so, we arrived just as it was ending, and only caught the last few moments of what must have been a spectacular sight.
The ceremony consists of the monks lighting on fire several enormous 8-metre long torches and then running circuits around the temple veranda with them while crowd of pilgrims/tourists (the line between these two categories is extremely blurred) is gathered below. It is a festival for the protection of children, I think, but anyway it is considered lucky if the falling cinders land on your child's head, so the onlooking worshippers actively try to catch falling fire using their children's faces.
I'm afraid I didn't get any good photos of it myself, but here's a stock photo from the internet to give you an idea of what it looked like: The next day we went back up to the temple and collected little bits of burnt cedar from the torches for luck - I've got one attached to my phone!
2. Himeji Castle. As I think I mentioned in my last post, Himeji is just an awesome sight. Really, truly beautiful and magnificent and breathtaking. What really makes the visit though is the volunteer guides that show you around. Without them it would be impressive, and a great photo opportunity, but the guides show you the intricacies of the design and the ingenious strategic devices built into the castle layout to deter intruders, and all kinds of extra little background information. That said, I noticed that the two different guides I had gave us entirely different tours filled with entirely different little nuggets of wisdom and tidbits of information, some of which directly contradicted each other or even directly contradicted the information plaques around the castle!
So a fascinating tour, but not neccessarily a strictly factual one.
Incidentally, anyone hoping to visit Himeji in the near future: do it this summer, because after this year it is undergoing massive restoration work to the main keep and will be closed and under scaffolding for 5 years. You have been warned.
3. Hiroshima Hiroshima was pretty amazing, but for completely different reasons. Despite all the hilariously tasteless jokes I might make about the bombs (I was going to change my name on facebook to Hereward 'A-Bomb' Feldwick before I went, ho ho), actually visiting Hiroshima was a deeply affecting and sobering experience. We actually spoke to some A-Bomb survivors about their experiences which was rather grim and harrowing, and it is shoking to think how recent and how utterly devastating it was. Seeing the A-Bomb dome and feeling first-hand the blast marks where the heat waves from the bomb had caused gravestones to shatter really brought it home and made it seem much more real.
Top bit in Hiroshima? Seeing groups of smiling American tourists posing for photos in front of the Cenotaph - the mass grave for all the unrecorded victims of the Hiroshima bombing. Something about that scene just struck me as remarkably tasteless. I mean, in their defense I think it was their Japanese friend actually taking the picture for them, so it seems to be a collective obliviousness to possible deeper layers of meaning shared by Japanese and Americans alike. I think to most people it's just another tourist spot to tick off the list and get the photo.
Again, my photography around Hiroshima wasn't really up to much, so here is someone else's photo of the A-Bomb Dome for you to consider:
So anyway, after a few more days in Tokyo my parents went back home to England and I was left to get on with the ordinary humdrum everyday business of living in Tokyo. You know: wake up, wash, eat, go to the gym, eat, look at facebook, eat, have some beers, watch the Daily Show, eat, sleep and repeat ad nauseam. The most exciting developments in my life over the last couple of weeks have been my first tentative steps into horticulture and my purchase of a Super Nintendo.
I'm growing some tomato and chili plants from seed. It's all terribly exciting. They're living in eggboxes on my windowsill at the moment, soaking up as much sun as their little tiny leaves are able. I'm optimistic that I might start getting actual fruits from them before I have to go back to England, which will be a great thrill! Okay, this may not sound exciting to most of you, but considering I've been middle aged since the age of about 13 the idea of growing my own vegetables is honestly the very peak of excitement for me. Once I've got my own house and garden I'm going to grow all manner of vegetables and I'm going to keep half a dozen ducks for eggs and meat. I've already got it all planned out: house, wife, 4 kids, vegetable patch, ducks, lots of cats, maybe even a dog.
I also bought a Super Nintendo, and it is honestly the very finest purchase I have made for a very long time. In my opinion, it is immeasurably more fun than any of the new hi-tech machines that everyone raves about these days. I mean, so what if you've got the most advanced first-person shooter or the most realistic driving simulator in the world - I've got Super Metroid and F-Zero, and they're awesome! You can take your X-Box Live and shove it up your arse.
Right - I'd better go to bed. Once again I didn't manage to write what i had been planning to. What I had meant to write about was the enormous penis festival I went to today, but I got all caught up recapping events up to that moment. I have my placement test for Semester 2 tomorrow morning and I don't want to stay up too late writing, so that tale will have to wait for another time - hopefully not long.
After a long hiatus (almost a whole month!), Genghis Kong will be returning with the long-awaited next installment of his best-selling blog/philosophical memoir, Genghis Kong Vs. MegaTokyo.
The next thrilling episode will chart Genghis' progress through the gruelling ordeal of final exams at an elite Tokyo university, his subsequent adventures as a free-operating cool young thing in the world's coolest city and finally his epic ascent of the imposing Mt. Hishigaoka in Japan's remote Niigata Highlands.
You can look forward to:
Thrilling Suspense!
Incredible Extreme Sports Action!
Pseudo-Romance!
Unfathomable Gluttony!
Inadvisable Alcohol Consumption!
Health, Beauty and Weight-Loss Tips!
All this and more is waiting for you in the upcoming edition of Genghis Kong Vs. MegaTokyo (release date TBC).
And if all that isn't enough to entice you, here are some brand-new, never-before-seen EXPLICIT photographs of Genghis Kong on his adventures to whet your appetite even more! Read Genghis Kong vs. MegaTokyo to find out the REAL story behind these SHOCKING images!
Is Genghis about to be out-eaten by this mysterious fur-coated challenger?
A dancing drunkard and his pet bronze dog, but is this unlikely duo an ally to our hero, or a dangerous new menace?
Strange markings appear on his leg. Is this a message from some higher being? A tattoo of St. George's Cross gone horribly, horribly wrong? An extremely unusual pattern of bruising?
Find the answers to these and many more mysteries ONLY in Genghis Kong Vs. MegaTokyo.
COMING SOON!
[Editor's Note:
Hullo chums,
I just got back from Snowboarding this evening. I currently experiencing a very high level of physical pain in most parts of my body, but I don't seems to have come to any significant lasting harm. Within a few days the aching will have worn off and I'll be fit as a fiddle again - have no fear!
I have much to write about, but the hour grows late and I am weary from long days' travel and travail so I shall leave the bulk of my update until the morning. I just thought I would leave this little teaser-trailer up here to (hopefully) keep you all amused until then and maybe encourage you to come back and have a little look again tomorrow.
In brief: all is well, but I am tired. More on those stories tomorrow.
I hope the start of 2009 finds all you lovely people healthy, happy and optimistic for the year ahead. As for myself, this year promises to be one of many challenges and opportunities, to put it as optimistically as I can. I will be going back to Japan in two days time and from then on, I will not see England's green and pleasant land until August: 7 solid months of hardcore Japtasticness. I have exams starting on the 9th of January, but once I finish my exams and hand in my final projects for the year on the 15th I'll have no more classes until some time in March/April time. During the intervening Spring Break I have a little skiing holiday planned, followed by extended visits from both my older brother and my parents. With a bit of luck I might injure myself horrifically during the skiing, so that when my family come to visit they will have to spend their entire time nursing a cripple.
I am back in lovely, lovely England - that most wonderful of countries where everything is bloody amazing and I am deliriously happy every single day. Nothing makes you appreciate home like spending 3 months in a different country. Well, spending 7 months in a different country will probably have the same effect, but 3 months was quite enough. It's the little things that you come to miss: pubs where people don't look at you strangely if you just want a pint with no food; saying "thank you" to the man in the shop when you buy a paper (in Japan this is considered very strange behaviour); holding the door open for someone (also considered somewhat deviant in Japan); reasonably priced beer, taxis and pub grub; Wi-Fi. All these simple, everyday things which we take for granted in England are either incredibly rare or considered strange and freakish in Japan. Returning to England every little thing is a new and exciting treat for me.
Of course, you also miss your home, family and friends when you are spending a long time abroad, probably more than you miss wireless internet, but that's to be expected really.
Oh, and cheese.
So, what do I miss about Japan when I'm in England? Well, I'm not sure if I really 'miss' much, but I suppose there are things in Japan which I will be glad of when I have them again. For example, my daily Fibe Mini - a fibre supplement drink that looks and tastes a bit like Irn Bru, without which, and thanks to the sudden dietary shift from brown rice and vegetables to meat and cheese, my daily motions have become increasingly traumatic. There's also the gym - the gym at my Uni in Japan is actually remarkably crap, low-tech and badly equipped, but it is on-campus and, most importantly, completely free so I actually manage to go pretty regularly. This will hopefully be a great help with my New Year's resolutions.
Speaking of which, it would probably be appropriate for me to put forth some New Year's resolutions. Usually they just float around my head vaguely and I can conveniently forget/ignore them as I fail them one by one, so I'll put them in writing this year. This way everyone will know exactly how I fail to live up to my own expectations.
This year's resolution, I suppose, is probably going to be the same one which I have failed at each year for the past 5 years: sort my life out. When I told this to Jethro, he told me that, as far as he could tell, my life seems pretty well in order and doesn't need too much sorting out. Upon further consideration I had to concede that this was probably true, and I do in fact worry too much about the state of my life. Nonetheless, there are a few key points about which I have long wanted to make some changes, so I suppose 'sort my life out' can be divided into the following sub-resolutions:
Study more, work harder, be less lazy
Drink less booze, less often and be less drunk all the time
Exercise more, eat properly, lose loads of weight
*Parents and family members: look away now*
4. Have more sex (perhaps a slightly strange New Year's resolution and not directly linked to 'sorting my life out', but hey, there it is)
So those are my New Year's resolutions, and they have been my New Year's resolutions pretty much every year for the last three or four years. Every year I make these promises to myself and, virtually without exception, fail at them all to varying degrees. This is probably because none of them are particularly easy, they are all very vague, and they pretty much require sweeping changes to all aspects of my lifestyle, so perhaps I ought to go for a single, simpler, more attainable and measurable resolution, for example:
5. Read a Japanese newspaper every day (while I'm in Japan)
Which is something I can actually conceivably achieve to some reasonable degree. So, actually, while I have certainly considered lots of New year's resolutions I don't actually seem to have settled on a single one to actually stick to. Oh well, I guess I'll just do my best. Or at least がんばります, which is almost the same as doing my best, but it actually just means 'persevere' with no implication that I will do well; just that I will continue struggling along even with no hope of success.
Right, now I'm going to try to tell you about all the stuff I've done since my last post, but my last post was 3 and a half weeks ago so this is going to take a long time. Also, as I can scarcely remember what happened 3 weeks ago, it might be a little hazy.
3 weeks ago I was still in Japan. Apart from a History exam for which I didn't study properly, but still expect to get at least 80%, the only events of note, as far as I can remember, were a couple of Birthday parties and a Christmas party. The first birthday party went along the usual formula - we went for a meal with 2 hours all-you-can-eat-and-drink followed by going to Hub, the English Pub (as usual). This party was pretty fun, but only really notable because of the fact that I actually succeeded at catching the last train home and finding my way successfully to my own bed without mishap.
The Christmas party was good fun too. There was a formal dress code at the restaurant (all-you-can-eat-and-drink for 2 hours) so I got to get all nicely dressed up in my smarts.
Here is a nice(ish) picture of me and my friend Kaleb
We both own pink phones and we work out together a lot. If I didn't know I wasn't gay, I would probably think we were gay together, but I know I'm not gay, so I guess we're probably not gay together after all. All the Japs think he's gay, and he gets very pissed off at them. His catchphrase is "I hate this frickin' country", so we have a lot in common. (Not gay).
My catchphrase, incidentally, is "God, what a dreadful country populated by awful, awful people."
The following day it was Byeolyi's birthday (one of the cool Koreans at my school). We went for Thai food (2 hours all-you-can-eat again, although this time only one drink was included), and I actually abstained from drinking altogether. Aren't I just the very model of temperance and moderation?
The next day was my last day of school. I had my history final in the afternoon, after which Kaleb and I went to the Centre for International Studies to check for the fourth time that we definitely didn't need to get a re-entry permit before we left the country for Christmas. We had each independently come to the office to inform them that we were going home for Christmas and ask them about re-entry permits on more than one occasion, and we had both been assured that no, we didn't need to do anything else or get a permit, it was fine, just come and let them know when we got back to the country. However on this occasion, the day before Kaleb was flying home and 2 days before I was to, they suddenly realised that, oh shit, actually we do need to get a re-entry permit before we leave the country, otherwise we invalidate our visas and won't be allowed back in.
Actually they weren't even as helpful as that. They just looked panicky and confused and said "Yes you definitely do need re-entry permit. Very important. What? You fly tomorrow? Oh, maybe you don't need one. Hmmm... It's okay, you don't need one. Should be okay. You be okay." Which was actually entirely not true. We very much did need re-entry permits, but the Japanese compulsion not to be confrontational or tell someone they have done something wrong obliged them to simply lie to us and say that we'd be fine. An entirely unhelpful way to deal with problems.
So, stressed and anxious about our re-entry permits, Kaleb and I proceeded to Hub, the English Pub for some conciliatory Gs&Ts (happy hour G&T still a pretty good price, despite the exchange rate). The more astute among you may be noticing a certain theme of Hub, the English Pub developing in this blog. I don't actually like the place all that much, and their beer is unfeasibly expensive (actually about normal by Tokyo standards, but extortionate by UK prices), but somehow we end up going there almost every time someone wants a drink, largely because their happy hour last for 3 hours and offers £1.50 cocktails.
At the Hub we rendezvoused with Haneul (Korean girl), Alex (American gay) and Alex's brother and friend of brother (American young people) and decided, after happy hour, to go do PuriKura which is basically fancy photo booths which take 'amusing' pictures of you and your friends. I might go into more detail on the subject at a later date but for now I'll just show you the finished product:
Believe it or not, only one person in this picture is gay. (It's not me).
Anyway after purikura we shook off the Alex and his harem, acquired an Australian girl, Tessa, and spent an amazingly pointless hour or two wandering around trying to find somewhere to drink, by which time Kaleb had sobered up enough to realise that he couldn't afford to drink any more, so we ended up just going to Wendy's for a burger. For some reason I felt compelled to order the Super Mega Wendy's Monster Burger or whatever it was called (basically a triple bacon cheeseburger type thing) which, to make it even worse, comes with a free upgrade to large-size fries and soda. I quickly realised that I did not want to eat this much burger and chips, but a misplaced sense of pride/honour/frugality/greed forced me to consume the entire meal, leaving me feeling extremely unwell.
*parents and family members: skip the next part*
It was at this point Tessa, who incidentally is the girl I asked out a couple months ago and was rejected by, asked me if I wanted to go round to her room to watch Love Actually, share a bottle of white wine and, quite possibly, spend the night. Presumably she had some kind of amorous advances in mind (or just thinks I'm gay), but I had literally eaten so much that I couldn't face it. I had somehow eaten my way out of pulling.
This is just another example of my extraordinary talent for not having sex. There have been a surprisingly large number of occasions when a woman I fancy has been trying to get me into their bed and I have somehow ended up accidentally talking my way out of it. It's like some kind of strange affliction. I think I might be under some kind of malignant curse, although I can't specifically remember pissing off any evil witches recently.
So I went home clutching my stomach and sat around thinking about how I could have got laid.
2 days later it was Christmas Eve and I was on my way home.
I realise that I haven't even got as far as me leaving Japan yet, and I've at least another two week's festive frivolities to fill you all in on, but I feel as though this post has been going on for an awfully long time, and as my tale seems to have reached a natural break, I felt I might just take a little break as well - It's hard work this blogging malarkey, you know. I started writing this at half five and it's now about ten o'clock, so I think I deserve a little bit of a rest, don't you?
I'll try to do another one tomorrow or, failing that, soon after getting back to Japan, to let you know what I did over Christmas (even though most of you, being my friends and family, will already know what I did over Christmas, as you were probably there. Still, it might be amusing for you to read about things you personally witnessed or even participated in from someone else's point of view).
But before I go, I shall deal with a question which a few people have asked me regarding the Japanese children's television program Pitagora Suicchi.
Hopefully some of you will remember the video I posted a while ago of various opening sequences for Pitagora Suicchi with the amazing marble rolling aparatus. Here's a brief reminder for those of you who missed it (sorry for the horrible sound quality):
Well, a couple of my friends asked me what the actual content of the TV show was: was it just half an hour of improbable marble rolling? Well, no. The show is made up of various short sequences which are very diverse and as far as I can tell the only thing they have in common is that they are all works of utter genius. Here is one of my favourites: The Algorithm March. I watch this almost every morning before school and I think it is the sole thing which enables me to cope with life in Japan.
I hope you enjoyed that as much as I did.
Farewell all, and I'll hopefully be updating this again very soon.
I noticed today that it has been exactly two weeks since last I updated my blog, and that last post was not even a real update: just an amusing video of Japanese people being silly (they are so very silly), so I felt that I really ought to write something. More than that, I feel I owe you all an apology for keeping you waiting so long. I will try to make sure this little post is all you could wish for and more.
I have of late been somewhat troubled by two things in particular. The first is insomnia, or some kind of problem with my sleep pattern, and the second is the plummetting value of the Pound. I think I may have mentioned my sleeping problems before, possibly at great length, so I'll try not to go into too much wearysome detail, but in short I can't sleep. I lie down, I close my eyes, I even count sheep, but nothing happens. I seem to have forgotten some vital step in the going-to-sleep process, but I can't for the life of me work out what it was. I'll eventually drift off around 2 or 3am, then wake up several times, usually at 5, 5.30 and 6.30, each time thinking "hmmm, I'm pretty awake now, maybe I should just get up", but when my alarm clock goes off at 6.50 my only thoughts are "Bleeaaarggh. Mrrrrfffff? Hrmrmrmrmr fuck offfff..." and I wake up groggy, woozy, headachey and pissed off, which is not a great way to start the day.
No - that's not just a hangover. I know what I hangover feels like, and this is much worse.
In fact, my difficulty sleeping is driving me to the drink. Now, those of you who know me well will be aware that I was not a teatotaller before i came to Japan. I have been known to enjoy a drop of bubbly at Christmas, and sometimes even a shandy or two at the end of a long week. But recently I've been thinking "God I can't be bothered with another sleepless night and feeling shitty all day tomorrow. I'll just get drunk" which is not a healthy lifestyle or frame of mind. The fact is though, I feel better with a hangover but having slept well than I do when I haven't slept properly.
I've been thinking perhaps I ought to go and buy another mattress; my bed is spectacularly uncomfortable. I've bruises on my hips just from rolling over in the night. I think my futon might be stuffed with granite or iron filings.
And then there's the money issue. It's almost like there was some kind of global economic crisis going on or something... Basically, the value of the Pound is unimaginably low, especially when compared to the Yen which has remained relatively strong throughout the turmoil. 5 months ago £1 was worth 215 Yen. 2 months ago it was 185. Now it's around 140. That's a fall of 25% over 2 months, or 35% since July.
To put this in context for those of you not particularly familiar with Japanese currency, as long as I've been paying attention to Japan it has always been around 200 Yen to the pound, give or take. Sometimes it was a little more, sometimes a little less, but it was close enough. This made the calculations pretty convenient: 1000 Yen (the smallest note) was worth a fiver (our smallest note), so it all made sense and was pretty easy. 10,000 was £50. A 600 Yen pint was a £3 pint - pretty much average. Now a 600 Yen pint costs £4.28. Whenever I want to take out fifty quid, it costs me £71.50, not including the £1.50 my bank charges me for the privilege of using my card abroad!
Needless to say, this has caused me much fiscal consternation. Fortunately I have some money in Yen format, so I haven't actually had to use my Pounds too much, but I've not got many Yen left so I'm going to start feeling the rub pretty soon.
On the other hand, as my Father pointed out, this would be a very good time to start earning some Yen - exploiting the credit crunch to my own advantage - so I'm going to look into some English teaching work or something.
Aside from these two minor worries, however, the sun is shining, I only have one more lecture left this week, and all is pretty much well with me. I've been doing a fair amount of work, although I'm falling wa-a-ay behind with my Kanji - it turns out 60 kanji per week is rather more than i can realistically keep up with. My mid-term exams are all behind me, I've no major deadlines for 2 weeks, and I'm making progress with my Year-Abroad research project.
Also, possibly more significantly, I've recently been starting to feel like I can speak Japanese. Not especially well, mind you, but on the whole I understand when people speak to me, and they seem to understand what I say in response, so I guess I can speak Japanese... There's no other explanation for it.
I think that's all the 'serious' bit dealt with. No more real 'news' to tell you, except that I'll be back in 5 weeks and my cheese cravings are almost unbearable. Every day on my way home I detour to walk past a bakery where they are always giving out free samples of cheese bread - the typical sweet, spongey Japanese bread with a few meagre pieces of yellow and orange generic-factory-cheese in the middle. I also, once or twice a week, go to the food court underneath the Seibu department store and eat all the free samples at their cheese stall. Sometimes when I'm a bit drunk I buy a little pack of salami and smoked cheese, but apart from those three indulgences, there is no cheese in my life. They do have cheese in this country; in fact, at the fancy department stores they even have some pretty good cheese, but it's so gosh darn expensive that I can't bring myself to buy it. 150g of Stilton at the supermarket is 1,680 Yen, which is £12 at today's exchange rate, and there's no way I'm going to pay that much for a piece of cheese. Even the cheap crappy Japanese cheese is 400+ Yen (£2-3) for 100g.
Now, on to the important stuff. Let me start with the Shelf of Tat. You will be excited to know that the Shelf is positively groaning under the weight of Tat arrayed upon it. In fact, some of the older Tat has been pushed back slightly to make room for the newer Tat.
So, to introduce the new ones, and refresh your memory on the older ones, let's do a quick roll-call, left to right.
1. Battleship Yamato beer mug 2. Daruma 3. Talks-just-like-your-father SoftBank Dog 4. *NEW* White dog with your Father's voice 5. Sexy Dr Pepper can 6. *NEW* Minnie Mouse ears 7. *NEW* Bag of Yen 8. *NEW* Mickie and Minnie shot glass 9. *NEW* Singing employment mouse 10. Gachapin
That's right: there are 5 - count them - 5 new additions to the shelf of tat. Lets take a closer look at this motley bunch.
You all remember the talks-just-like-your-father SoftBank dog, right? With classic one-liners like "You are too young for that!" who could forget? Well, I am proud to introduce to you one of the finest pieces of tat I have found so far: a really naff plastic rip-off of the SoftBank dog! That's right, this isn't just a smaller version of the talks-just-like-your-father SoftBank dog, this the 'white dog with your father's voice', made by the White Dog Company. I won it in a 100 Yen UFO-catcher machine (took me about 6 tries, so the little bastard cost me about £4). It even comes complete with naff crappy rip-off pieces of fatherly advice. (Look back to September's post, 'Genghis Kong vs. the SoftBank Dog' to remind yourself of the nuggets of unfiltered fatherly wisdom that the original SoftBank Dog dispensed).
White dog says: ボイズ・ビー・アンビシャスだ！ Boys be amitious! (he just says this in English but with a Japanese accent, so it comes out as boizu bii anbishasu) コラ！ Look! 意思が弱い！ Your intention is weak!
And other crappy bits of nonsense. Well, he used to say those things. His battery is already dead.
SoftBank Dog says: "That's quite enough of that!" and I think he's right.
The Minnie ears are from DisneySea (like DisneyLand, but wetter), which I went to a couple of weeks ago. They were lent to me by Lisa (one of the Japs), so I wore them all day with everyone laughing at me. Here's a picture of me modelling them with Yumiko (Dude! Chick! Hot! Bang! Totally!!!) I believe this is what the Japanese call 'kawaii'.
Lisa says she wants the ears back.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
No.
The bag of Yen came free with a bottle of tea I bought. Well, the bag came free. I had to provide the Yen, unfortunately. A bottle of tea had a strange small item attached to it, so I bought it out of curiosity. The small soft 'free gift' turned out to be a tiny (about 3" square), see-through yellow drawstring bag with a picture of Rilakkuma (Relax Bear. Rilakkusu means relax, kuma means bear. Rilakkusu + Kuma = Rilakkuma. Genius) on it. How utterly pointless, I thought at first, but then I realised that my pockets, desk and floor were overflowing with another achingly pointless item: 1 Yen coins. So I put my 1 Yen coins in the bag. Problem solved.
Minnie and Micky shot glass. Another souvenir from DisneySea. For those dark, dark times, when the only thing that can cheer me up is shots of gin and a picture of Mickey Mouse.
Finally there's the singing employment mouse. I can't quite remember where I got him, but if you squeeze his belly he tells you to go get a job.
Well, not exactly, but it sounds better if I tell it that way. If you squeeze his belly he sings a little jingle which goes "If you're looking for part-time work, go to Baitoru.com". It's very irritating, and mind-numbingly catchy, and just thinking about it has got it stuck in my head again. Oh... God... Make... It... Stop...
So those are the new contestants in the international Tat parade. I'd like to make a brief mention of Gachapin though. Gachapin, if you remember, is the one who says that giggling is good for your balls. It turns out he's some kind of Tom Cruise-esque action man super hero. And he has a friend who is a red yeti called Mukku. Here's proof.
How fucking cool/ridiculous is that? I particularly enjoyed the bit at the end where he's burying a corpse... and then the freaky magnet people?
*sigh* Somehow I can't help feeling that I'm more of a Mukku than a Gachapin...
So what kind of fun stuff have I been doing for the last few weeks? Well, briefly (because I've been at this post for about 2 hours now), Simon (coursemate from Sheffield) came up to Tokyo for the weekend, which we used as an excuse for a larger Sheff-crew gathering. All told Me, Simon, Jimmy, Morrell, Lisa, Rachel, Katherine, Evie, Ildze, Morito and a couple of Catherine's friends whose names I sadly can't remember met up (apologies if I missed anyone out there). Food and booze was had with much merriment. There was also Karaoke and a Curry, I can't quite remember in what order these events occurred.
Simon stayed with me the first night, and we had a day of doing some low-paced sightseeing which was nice. We had Okonomiyaki for lunch.
The one on the right is the one I made. The one on the left was Simon's...
In his defence, mine was an okonomiyaki, ans his was a monjayaki, so we were working from rather different recipes, but I'm still not entirely convinced monjayaki is supposed to look like that...
We then went up the Tokyo Metropolitan Government Building,
Which offers a very fine view of Tokyo,
Although it was a little too hazy to see Mt. Fuji.
Then there was DisneySea. A really fun day out, but the rides were all rather tame (well, it is for kids after all) and it was pretty expensive. There are tons of photos of it, but I can't quite be bothered to upload them here. If you've ever been to a Disney resort before it looked just like that. If you've never been to a Disney resort before, just imagine a 3D Disney film with me in it. The photos should make it on to Facebook eventually.
At some stage later that week I went out to the English Pub. The Fish and Chips are pretty rubbish and the beer is very expensive, but cocktails are cheap and it looks like a pub, so it makes me feel at home. This started out as a pretty low-key, low-drunkenness event, just me and three Japanese girls (dudechickhotbang? Totally!), but more and more people turned up later on and I ended up in a fairly disgraceful state of inebriation. Happy hour is 4pm until 7pm, and all cocktails are half price. That makes it about £2 for a pint or so of G&T. Not good G&T (no ice, no slice), but a pint of it.
Here's me earlier on in the night (don't let the blurriness of the photo or the droopiness of my eyes fool you - I was pretty sober).
Then the other Gaijin turned up, and the Japanese people questioned my abililty to drink a litre of beer.
(Wilko, I drank this and thought of you)
Then I was quite drunk.
Then... well... I don't know to be honest. I like to think I was playing peek-a-boo with a child under the table. Or demonstrating the brace position for a plane crash. Hopefully not crying.
Actually, I think I might have just hit my head. That seems the most plausible explanation. That would also explain the headache I had the next day...
Onwards and onwards and I've been at school, studying hard. I've started going to the Gym (I've lost about a stone, I think, which is nice). Yada yada yada.
Believe it or not Ive been writing this thing for about 3 hours now, so you'll forgive me if my patience is starting to run out.
I've also written an article for Article (my friend Dunmore's magazine that he prints in Sheffield). Keep your eyes peeled for it in paper format if you live in the Steel City, otherwise there will be an online edition at some stage too.
I have to go now - my vision is starting to blur and I'm starting to suffer from typist's headache, not to mention diarist's ear and blogger's ballbag - but before I do, I would like to leave you with a few more words from Gachapin. In fact, a whole song from Gachapin. It's called Tabechauzo (Eat it up!), and I find there's something amazingly creepy about it.
Lyrics in Japanese:
たべちゃうぞたべちゃうぞ いたずらする子はたべちゃうぞ
バターたっぷりぬりつけて お砂糖ぱらぱらふりかけて
大きな大きな口あけて 食べる子どの子 どの子にしようか
じゃんけんぽんよ勝ったら食べろ 負けたら逃げろ
たべちゃうぞたべちゃうぞ おなべにゆでてたべちゃうぞ
頭の方からなげこんで まだまだぐらぐらぐつぐつ
おいしいスープのできあがり 食べる子どの子 どの子にしようか
じゃんけんぽんよ勝ったら食べろ 負けたら逃げろ
たべちゃうぞたべちゃうぞ 眠ってる間にたべちゃうぞ
おもちゃ大事にしない子は 壊れた自動車汽車怪獣
仕返しやってくる夢の中 食べる子どの子 どの子にしようか
じゃんけんぽんよ勝ったら食べろ 負けたら逃げろ
じゃんけんぽんよ勝ったら食べろ 負けたら逃げろ
Lyrics in English (I can only be bothered to translate the first verse):
Eat it up! Eat it up! Naughty children eat it up! With butter spread thickly on it and sugar sprinkled on top, Open your big big mouth - which child will eat it, which will it be? We'll rock, paper, scissors for it: if you win, you eat, if you lose, run away!
God that was creepy.
I've got some other stuff I might like to write, but I can't be bothered right now, so hopefully you won't have to wait quite so long for the next post.
Let's making happy! You are number one biggest friend and always filling your love! Genghis xxx
I went to Sensouji temple in Asakusa the other day (classes haven't started yet so I've got quite a bit of free time for sightseeing/drinking). Sensouji is one of the oldest temples in Tokyo (it's probably not actually old - everthing old in Tokyo was destroyed during the War - but it's a recontruction of a very old temple) and it is famous for the long avenue leading up to it which is lined on both sides by small stalls and vendors selling tat to tourists and idiots.
This is actually very traditional. We all know the Japanese love being tourists and love buying tat, and apparently this has been the case for centuries and there has always been a market for selling naff little souvenirs to happy Jappy tourists.
So I bought myself a Daruma doll. <history lesson> Daruma is the Japanese name for Bodhidharma, the Bodhisattva who founded the school of Zen. He is often (falsely) credited with introducing tea to China. Daruma dolls are popular lucky charms in Japan to help people achieve targets, goals or wishes. </history lesson> Here he is, looking all grumpy on my shelf, staring at me disapprovingly.
The more astute among you will observe that he has only one eye. This is how Daruma dolls work - when you buy them their eyes are white. When you make a wish/set yourself a target, you colour in one eye and when you achiece that target you colour in the other. Mine is a boring wish - that of learning 1325 Kanji by February (63 Kanji a week!) - but I like his silly face so I decided to show him to you all anyway.
While at Sensouji temple I decided, upon further reflection, that in fact my phone was not nearly gay enough at all, so I decided to invest in some small dangly things to hang from the back of it (this is what japanese school girls do, I believe).
From left to right you have a large red lantern, a small pink thunder god and a small blue wind god (these three guard the Tenmon Thunder Gate at Sensouji Temple), followed by a glass of beer and some yakitori (chicken on a stick). If you look closely, you can also see a can of Asahi reflected in the shiny shiny pink of my shiny gay phone.
In terms of what I've actually been up to since I got here, there's been a lot of orientation meetings, registration meetings, filling out of forms, applications for insurance and other fun things. These have, of course, been interspersed with the violent outbursts of drunken rage and uncensored eroticism for which I have become so famous (and loved).
I've decided that most of the internationals aren't actually that bad (a couple of them really are that bad), but I think I definitely need to go and find myself some Japs to hang out with. This weekend I'm planning to go down to Yokohama to visit my friend Lora who I met when I was in Japan 2 years ago, and hopefully there'll be lots of friendly Japs down there for me to befriend/intimidate/interfere with.
Classes start on Monday, which I'm actually quite looking forward to, but until then I've got most of the week off. I don't quite know what I'm going to do with myself for a week. I can't get drunk (all the Internationals frown on excessive drinking outside of the weekend, so I've no one to get drunk with), so i might have to do some sightseeing or something. Or maybe even studying, although that doesn't seem likely.
Actually this brings me on to another point, and an opportunity to get some audience participation into the blog: I now have a pretty good idea of my timetable for the next 5 months, and it features 9am lectures 5 days a week, but not a lot of other lessons. This means I'm going to be awake with nothing much to do a lot of the time so I'd like to open up the floor to suggestions of good hobbies i could take up. Some suggestions I have come up with so far:
Become a really bad otaku (Japanese for geek - it involves reading a lot of manga, watching a lot of anime, watching a lot of hentai, socialising very little etc.)
Become an intensely self-destructive alcoholic
Become a pachinko addict (pachinko is very confusing Japanese gambling game-thing, a little like pinball crossed with slot machines crossed with epilepsy)
Take up a sport (PAH!)
Any further suggestions would be welcome, as I'm not convinced I like the sound of any of these.
I guess i ought to show you some pictures of Tokyo, rather than boring pictures of crap in my bedroom so here you are:
Sensouji Temple (and the boulevard of Tourist Tat leading up to it)
MySchool
Some views of Tokyoat night (Shinjuku and Ikebukuro East)
There you are: photos. I hope you're happy now.
I've also been practicing for karaoke a lot. Somehow I've managed to be in Japan for pretty much a whole week and I still haven't done any karaoke. I need to sort that out. But anyway, I decided it would be a good idea to learn some Japanese songs for karaoke in Japan. The first is a very old Japanese song, and the only Japanese language song to make it to number 1 in America. The second is some recent J-pop tosh, but out of all the recent J-pop tosh i could be bothered to listen to, this was among the best. It's dead hard to sing though.
Unfortunately I'm not really allowed to sing in my room because the walls are so thin and someone might be trying to sleep next door, so I've been practicing karaoke-whispering. We'll have to see how it goes down when i try it out at full volume.
Right. I'm getting bored of writing, and no doubt you're getting bored of reading, so i'll call it a night.
Many thanks to Jimmy here for finding me a seriously awesome theme tune to sign off with:
Dsching-, Dsching-, Dschinghis Khan He Reiter - Ho Reiter - He Reiter - Immer weiter! Dsching-, Dsching-, Dschinghis Khan Auf Brüder! - Sauft Brüder! - Rauft Brüder! - Immer wieder!
(Geng-, Geng-, Genghis Khan Hey rider - Ho rider - Hey rider - ever further! Geng-, Geng-, Genghis Khan On brothers! - Drink brothers! - Fight brothers! - Again and again!)
I have just got back from my weekend at Bestival on the Isle of Wight. I have come home a day early for a number of reasons, first among which is that I need to sort my life out before I go to Japan. Also, by coming home a day early I get out of having to clean out, put down and pack up the tent. Ha.
As you can see, the weather was a significant factor in reducing my enjoyment of the weekend. Having said that, I really ought to be grateful that it wasn't raining when we were putting up the tent, and also that our new massive 8-man behemoth tent was really pretty good, and I managed to keep my bed dry-ish. It really did piss it down though, for at least the first couple of days.
We got there on Thursday after a pretty long bit of travelling (longer for the Liverpool and Sheffield contingents than for me) at a moment when it wasn't raining, and just as they opened the new campsite right next to the festival entrance, so our timing was perfect and we managed to get a spot at the top of the hill and get our tent up before any rain fell. The first night, as far as I can tell, was spent mostly having a bit of a drinky drunky game, although I don't remember it too well. We definitely went off to the Big Top for a bit of a dance, until we realised that there weren't any acts on and we were just dancing to a CD which was repeating itself every 8 tracks or so.
After a pretty damn soggy start, Friday was my real grand evening of excess and wild abandon (for which I suffered dearly the following day) and we went to see Layo and Bushwacka! (I'm pretty sure the exclamation mark is officially part of his name, and not just added by me out of enthusiasm) and Erol Alkan. Layo and Bushwacka! played some really good deep, deep rolling techno and Erol was pretty good but didn't particularly blow my mind. Later there was an extended after-party at our tent because it's massive. (This is the main downside of having a massive, sturdy, dry tent - everyone uses it as a lounge, bar, emergency bunker, meeting place, refuge and general flophouse, so within a day the endless stream of drunkards and wreck-heads had turned the communal area at the centre into the most depressing array of muddy beer cans, muddy clothing, muddy wellies, muddy footprints and mud.) I got chatting to this really cool girl and we spent hours lying in my bed just giggling, chatting and shouting at my friends. No sexy times went on, I can assure you; just shit-chatting and laughing, but it was cool.
The next morning my misery began in earnest. I was feeling really unwell for some reason and was totally unable to sleep so I just lay awake for hours, watching the ceiling of my tent bow and shake in the wind, listening to the rain lashing against the canopy. It eventually dawned on me that I really, really needed a poo in the most urgent terms. I must have lain there for at least an hour just going over and over the horror of it all in my head. "I need a poo. This requires me to: get up put on my horrible muddy trousers climb over my muddy friend find loo roll get to the door of the tent without muddying my feet in the endless sea of filth, mess and mud find a matching pair of wellies (my own wellies had been borrowed for the night, so I was without) put on said wellies find a rain poncho go out into the rain squelch my way amidst the guy-ropes in the dark down to the toilet lock myself in a tiny plastic cubicle which is filled with other people's shit and doesn't even keep the rain out squeeze out a sad, uncomfortable slug of poo into the stained plastic bowl of a chemical toilet walk back take off wellies (without getting feet muddy) cross tent (without getting feet muddy) get into bed (without getting bed muddy) take off muddy trousers (without getting bed muddy) lie in bed, unable to sleep, shivering with despair whilst watching the ceiling of my tent bow and shake with the wind, listening to the rain lashing against the canopy. Oh, woe upon woe! Oh, tragedy upon tragedy! Surely no person's misery has ever been more complete." I might also point out that I was equal parts very drunk, very hungover and very tired, which makes none of the above tasks any easier. I ended up going through this process 4 times that day. Woe upon woe indeed, and even tragedy upon tragedy. My sorrow could not be described with words, nor even reckoned by the acre, so complete was my misery.
Thus Friday brightened into a Saturday which was marked by my discomfort and sadness. On Saturday it rained a lot, and I felt very ill. I didn't get to sleep until 3.30 Saturday afternoon.
Before I managed to sleep though, I did manage to drag myself down to the Big Top to watch the Human League They were awesome, but I was so tired, sad and unwell that I could scarcely force myself to sing along with 'Don't You Want Me Baby', so my enjoyment was severely hindered by my depleted mental state. Not to worry, says I, they are playing a another, longer set later on, so I must just make sure I am well enough for that.
And thus I went to bed, and successfully slept until the Human League played again later that evening. Fortunately, this time round I was able to fully appreciate the fact that they are seriously good and I really did enjoy them. Many thanks to Jonny and Kirsty for dragging me out of the tent for that. Under my own power I fear I would have probably just spent the next 48 hours in bed complaining about my poo.
Then DJ Yoda and Shlomo did a short set which was pretty cool, but I still don't quite see the point of turntablism or beatboxing. I mean, they're both pretty impressive, but even when it's done really well the end product isn't really music at all. Some interesting noises, certainly, and I couldn't do it any better, but it's still not really real music, y'know what I mean?
Hot Chip followed the Yoda/Shlomo duet and were extremely good, as ever. They also all came out in fancy dress, which I liked, and covered Sinead O'Connor at the end of their set which I also liked. However, the sound on the main stage just wasn't loud enough, so none of these shows was quite enough to blow me away. It was good though. We then went to see Hercules And Love Affair who made me question myself (the lead singer is a really really sexy tranny. Seriously, I totally would. Really good band too), but I could not be bothered at all with Aphex Twin, who played a really boring set of nerdy techtronica which didn't go anywhere or build up to anything at all. He did have 2 professional gurners on stage pulling ugly faces at the crowd though, which is nice. Aphex Twin was boring, so I got drunk and went to bed while everyone stayed around and partied.
Sunday. Got up early. Not raining. Bought coffee. Saw comedy (Phil Jupitus, Marcus Brigstocke and 2 other guys doing"The Early Edition" ie. reading the newspapers and making me laugh about it). Ate hog roast. Built Titanic. Watched Sebastian Tellier. Went Home. Had a poo (best poo ever). Done.
The official fancy dress parade was actually on Saturday (the theme was 30,000 freaks under the sea), but we were held back by the weather and everyone's general grumpiness on Saturday, so we finally put our costume together on Sunday. Our Titanic consisted of 7 people wearing wire and fabric sections of the Titanic with tall cardboard funnel hats on. It didn't quite have all the bells and whistles we had discussed/planned (including lights on the inside, built-in beer holders, drowning lego men) but I think the overall effect when it was fully assembled was pretty impressive - several people stopped us to take photos so I reckon we must have looked pretty amazing. I didn't take my camera to Bestival with me, but I believe there will be photos at some stage so I will keep you posted.
Best Act: The Human League Worst Act: Aphex Twin Wish-I'd-Seen: The Specials played a surprise set on Saturday. They were listed as "Special Guests", and someone told me the Specials were gonna be there but i didn't believe them, so I missed it. Quote of the Weekend: Tough to call, but I like "Look, we're all talking shit, but our shit shits all over your shit!" Would Go Again?: Yes. The weather can't really be helped, but the Festival was really well run and had a great atmosphere as well as some awesome music.
So that was Bestival for me. All my friends are still there having a massive last-night-of-tour blowout party without me, but I felt I ought to get home to make sure everything's in place for going to Japan.
2 days to go now until I fly, so very soon my blog about my trip to Japan will actually start to feature my trip to Japan in it! Yay!
I know you're all going to miss me dearly as I galavant around the concrete jungle of Tokyo, so if you find your self pining for some hot Woody lovin', just remember this:
We'll always be together, how ever far it seems. We'll always be together, together in electric dreams.
Kisses, Genghis
PS. Comment! It makes me feel loved. There's a little tiny button just below this post.
As you all should be aware, I am shortly to depart for Japan, where I will be studying in Tokyo for a whole year. Because of this I have taken the decision to start a blog, so as to keep all my lovely friends (and anyone else who, for whichever reason, ends up reading this) up-to-date with my adventures, travels and rampages across the Land of the Rising Sun.
I still have a couple of weeks left before I fly to Japan, (2 weeks exactly, come to think of it. Shit me that's soon) so I am currently sitting in my room surrounded by a decade's worth of accumulated shit, despairing as to how I should get it all organised, tidied and packed and generally sort my life out. Just to add to the general hubbub, excitement and stress I also have to plan for my trip to Bestival (it's the best festival, geddit?), which is going to be awesome fun, but the timing is far from ideal; I get back from Bestival next Monday evening and have to fly to Japan Tuesday morning. It's not gonna be pretty.
So, faced with these long lists of important things I need to do, and with time rapidly ticking down to zero-hour, I decided that the best use of my time would be to start writing my blog. Woo!
I have set myself a few objectives to try and achieve whilst I am in Japan.
Genghis Kong's Mission Statement:
Join a band and get into the Japanese pop charts
Become an actor and get on Japanese TV
Become a model and advertise Japanese haemorrhoid cream
Become supreme overlord of all Japan and be worshipped as a god; or, if this fails,
Achieve the total destruction of the Japanese nation and people
I've been told that 1, 2 and 3 might actually be surprisingly easy, purely by merit of my being white - Japs think white people are amazingly cool, and being white is practically enough in itself to make you a minor celebrity. I haven't quite worked out how I'm going to manage 4 or 5, but I'll think of something - it can't be that difficult.
Oh, I suppose I ought to have on mission statement something along the lines of
Don't fail my degree, don't get arrested, don't get deported
but where's the fun in that, eh? Besides, I'm going to be too busy conquering to worry about studying.
Well, I guess that's just about sufficient for my first ever blog ever, so I'll leave you with these words of wisdom:
We can dance, We can dance, Everybody look at your hands.
Age: unknown (estimates vary from 22 to 10,000 years) Height: 80 feet Weight: Estimated to be in excess of 400 tonnes Origin: Bath, UK Last sighted: Frome, Somerset, UK Weaknesses: Cheese and alcohol
Genghis Kong's Guide to Speaking Engrish (suggestions welcome)
Honey is Intense Fanny! (On a T-shirt. One day I will own that T-shirt... one day)
This is the most comfortable Note Book you have ever used. All times you'll feel pleasant with it (on the front of my notebook - it's enough to make me want to study!)
Poet your mind to the World... Free your mind to the DELI! Why don't you take a Rest? At the corner before your REAL!! (on the wall of News Deli - a cafe in Ikebukuro)
Blue colour dog is exceptional star - he has many special friends! (on a tracksuit I saw in a shop)
Charing Closs: Distance to the Kingdom (on the back of some fashionable girl's jumper)
The Original, Natural Way to Consume Vegetable (slogan for Subway in Japan a couple of years ago)
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